Body Dysmorphia is Exhausting

I don't even know where to start. I wish I could just shut my mind up for an hour. Whatever I do in the back of my mind there is the feeling of being fat, inadequate, and ugly. For a long time I just constantly thought of the "when I will be skinny" scenarios but now I am just frustrated and desperate because I cannot lose weight.

I just can't catch a break. The reason why these feelings are so intense is that they are deeply rooted in shame. When I think of my thick tights, flabby arms, and ugly face I feel unbearable shame. Sometimes I can hardly get off the bus because passing other people to get to the door makes me anxious because of the shame. This comes from being bullied from a young age. Think about it. Being included in a community is a need especially at a young age. Because of my body, I was excluded all the time. Not just excluded, hurt, and tormented as well. How can a person like this ever be comfortable in their body? When my body was the root of my suffering during the most crucial developmental period of my life? How can it ever be fine? I know it can't be because during the short period in my life when I was skinny I still felt fat and ashamed of my body.

I just feel hopeless. It just accumulates over time and one day I just randomly break down into tears and cry it out. And then the cycle starts again. I just want to be the woman who is sitting on the bus, not the big ugly "woman" who is sitting on the bus. I want to be the woman who is sitting with her friends having a good time, not the woman who is sitting in despair and anxiety about how she looks. Will the feeling of inadequacy ever go away? If not, what am I going to do?

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